Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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