I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
and you fell through a lawn chair
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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