my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Girls should come with a carfax report
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
