I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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