I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
