Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
