ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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