I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dicks are not precious.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
