i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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