The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
