Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
