Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
