This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
