I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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