I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
