they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
