You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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