I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
