i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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