Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
