who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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