It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
