he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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