im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
