You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
