I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
