On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
