he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
