I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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