Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
