R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
