So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
