it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
