According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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