Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
