we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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