Can Purell be used as lube?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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