Yo dont text me then not text me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We are two peas in an std pod
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
