Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
