sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
