alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
