I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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