in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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