i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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