all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
