i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you win again, gameday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
