also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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