this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
