OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
