Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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