I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
